"Do you know what a foreign accent means? It's a sign of bravery."
I read this, and it reminded me of Emerson's "Self-Reliance" essay, one of my favorite and most formative reads. In this essay, he wrote about longing to visit new places and seeking new adventures before warning us; in the end, our giant goes with us wherever we go. I was in my early twenties when I read it while leaving abroad for the first time. It did have a tremendous impact on me, and in some ways, made me decide to come back home sooner than I had planned. But when I came back home, I found out that home and our giant might be just like a shadow. Depending on the sun's positioning in the sky, it can extend behind, ahead, or under us. I never felt quite at home for most of my life, and that's why years later I decided I should venture into the world again, but this time without a come back plan. I decided that home was ahead of me until I could plant my feet somewhere and have my shadow as a defined rounded spot centered right under them. It would be noon then.
I didn't know then how much bravery it entailed. And for most of my journey, every time I had a setback, I took it hard because I wasn't completely aware of how big the undertaking was. And even today, while I'm writing these words, I am still surprised I made it this far. That's because we don't keep track of every emotion and challenge as we explore the world. We don't stop to process each event and cultural obstacle as we learn to navigate a foreign territory.
I was surprised by the emotion and sudden realization that took over me while reading this post about bravery. I honestly think that cluelessness is a significant component, but it takes bravery to go out in the world. However, facing the giant, or our own shadow, requires even more courage. As I look at my feet, hoping to find a 12 o'clock shadow under it indicating that I'm home, at last, I'm forced to face that transient aspect of it. Soon it will be 1 o'clock, and then the shadow will start its journey from under my feet to being ahead or behind me until it quickly fades as the night falls. Just like Emerson wrote, soon, I will be acknowledging the stern and unrelenting fact that I'm alone with my giant, whether I can see it or not. The truth is that when we take on the world, it's like leaving home for good – a traveler has no home. Changed by experience, we are turned into eternal foreigners, a feeling that we can't shake off anymore or anywhere– I wonder if this is how a nomad feels? But in becoming a foreigner, do we lose ourselves completely? Or does the journey forces us to encounter ourselves in ways that staying at home wouldn't let us?
I'm not sure one can fully answer these questions since once you choose a path, you can't be sure of how it will turn out. And, in acknowledging the impossibility of knowing how things could have been, we become aware of life's main limitation: we know where it started and where it will ultimately end, but that's all we will ever know.
The little we find out about ourselves as we look back in the past to imagine how the future will be is as certain as a thrown of a dice. One can easily get lost, and being abroad, I've lost myself as many times as the times I guessed I had reencountered myself. So today, I try to accept that I will know myself only as much as the 12 o'clock shadow under my feet will let me. My ever-moving shadow will follow me every time, constantly changing, but just like the giant, always there. As for taking on the world, I suppose it's more correct to say that the world has taken over me. And perhaps the real bravery, it is just taking it in.