The roads were empty.
Not really, because there were a few people out. And yet, emptiness was all around.
Standing at the station, staring at the tracks and getting tunnel vision looking at the long and quiet platform. Some kids walked in. Hoodies and sweats with big logos, sneakers that looked like astronaut boots, and eyes. Those eyes, those bug eyes that looked empty and glassy.
Someone sneezed. We all shared an uncomfortable glance at each other. There were another 3 people there. Then, curtains down, our eyes went dark as we redirected our attention to our phones.
The kids were on to something. Some underground party, but first some boozing pit stop at Victor in LES. I could pick that up. The train was taking forever – it felt hot outside. I thought of the kids I saw last night and the kids I saw many nights before. The waste was there already. Now they looked different from the other kids. Different and yet just the same. They aged. We all did. But we were all young not long ago. Young before it all happened, but already too old without realizing it.
They couldn't know anyway. All they knew was getting into the woods and getting shit-faced. Then acid came – kegs and acid. And the world spinning around and heads exploding.
I thought I heard them laughing. It sounded more like chucking. Like kids do when they think something is funny but not enough to break out character. But they all had a half-smile on their face while they texted non-stop. I heard the name Jenny and something about KMart. I imagined Jenny at Kmart's parking lot. I met many girls like her over the years. They all went to the bushes to get high. They went to pool parties and barbecues. They had that fake sitcom excitement. That one that disappears after a one-liner. They had fake IDs and worn tight mini-skirts. They always ended up in some parking lot or picked up by a guy on a truck.
I tried to look at them without being too obvious. I think that one of them noticed it, quickly elbowing the big kid on a tracksuit. They both stared at me amid indifference and threat. But their eyes were blank. Completely empty. I didn't blink and hold my stare as if looking at something through them, like I was looking at the end of the tunnel hoping for the train to arrive. They gave up and went back to their planning. I thought about that Buddy Guy song. They had no idea who Buddy Guy was– they never heard the blues. I was thinking about one line on that song Damn Right, I've got the blues. I chuckled to myself when I felt that if I had to explain who Buddy Guy was, I could just say, Damn Right, he's got the blues. Silly that I thought of that. But anyway, the line goes like this, I can't win because I don't have a thing to lose.
I imagined myself talking to them as if in an alternate world. I would tell their eyes looked empty. Empty like the streets, like this train station, like the entire fucking world. I would say to them their eyes have always been empty because they had nothing to lose. Undetected anxiety– the source of all fears. Nothingness, emptiness, that stuff eats you up without you even noticing it.
What was I thinking? They just don't give a fuck, and in any parallel alternative world, they wouldn't give a fuck. To them, I don't even exist, I’m barely here. Anyway, it is fucking too late. It might be too late for all of us, but it has been too late since the beginning for them. At some point, they wanted to win – whatever winning means in this forsaken land. But I'm not so sure, and who cares? Winning in the land of opportunity, that's when everything went wrong. You just can't win if you have nothing to lose. I bet they wanted to be seen. They won't admit they wanted to be loved too. Nah! What's love got to do with this anyway? They never had it. They won't ever get it, and they won't ever lose it either. I felt old, defeated and sad. That’s all I felt.
The tracks sound told me the train started to approach. First, the clickety-clack sound. Then, the whistle. I was tired, and it was hot outside. I just wanted to be somewhere else. Anywhere. I have to take this train and hope it will take me to another state of mind. I just have to stare at the moving view outside the window. That's all. Just wait to see the world gets blurry and starts melting on the glass window. It will transport me somewhere else.
I looked at the kids once again, but this time I made sure they couldn't see me. They were there, leaning against the wall as if they were staring at their own teenage waste. They will be wasted in few hours, and they won't remember anything.
All empty. Just like it has ever been.