FEAR IS FEELING UTTERLY HOPELESS AND YET TRYING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY

Fear. I think I had never really been afraid before. Fear for me was what you feel watching a horror movie or when we do something foolish—fear of being caught and fear of the shame of being caught.

I thought fear was that paralyzing sensation of cold sweat coming down the spine, bugging eyes, and shaking hands.

In the early months of the pandemic in NYC, I met another fear. Or maybe, I met real fear.

It was so immense and unknown, a crushing and immeasurable sensation, that it seemed to have no end. And since there was no light at the end of the tunnel, it was much more terrifying than panic. You couldn't panic because the mind was wired to survive minute by minute. You had to keep going even with suspended breathing, all senses on constant alert, holding back emotions to save any and all available energy. Stuck in nothingness without an end prediction. Fear is feeling utterly hopeless and yet trying to make it through the day.

When watching the news on TV, I remember the night I pulled a calculator and did the math for the first time. I realized in shock that what was happening in Italy was going to happen in an even more significant proportion in NYC. For a second, I panicked, but after that, taking in all the consecutive blows delivered by the news, there was only silence left. It was an eerie sensation mixed with plain terror. And it was just the beginning.

From March until June, NYC became a ghost town, a war zone, a dystopia. The world shaken by the pandemic seemed nothing compared to NYC. We always think that we are the most affected by a tragedy. The human mind is selective and selfish and always puts its own despair before others. But in NYC, it looked different. The world's most famous global hub gathered millions of people in a small space. The streets, subway, and even the corner deli seemed like perfect traps. NYC was a giant trap. And the prophecy was fulfilled. Within weeks the hospitals were overcrowded, and about 1000 people were dying every day.

What made it even more agonizing is that those were the first days of the pandemic. Health experts knew little about the virus then, and the news was confusing and alarming on all fronts.

Hunkered down in our tiny apartments, we looked like war refugees asking for help from the outside. We sat every day at 11AM in front of the TV to watch Cuomo's update. It was a brief moment of comfort, but it also confirmed that we lived on a giant Petri dish.

Meanwhile, wealthier and luckier people in other parts of the world posted messages and pictures of them taking advantage of the semi-lockdown where they lived to watch movies, date, or exercise. Celebrities posted inspiring or reflective messages; millions of people seemed still unaware of what was coming. It felt like two very different realities, both of them completely surreal.

In NYC, people posted horrific news mixed with the sense of humor of a city that survived terrorist attacks. They say NYC never stops, but this time it stopped.

Then the protests, riots, and the curfew came. At times the city literally became a war zone. It looked like we were watching civilization as we know unraveling in front of our eyes.

The other day I searched for the video I posted showing the USNS Comfort arriving on the Hudson River to help the overcrowded city's health system. I couldn't remember exactly when it happened anymore. It is crazy how this experience has affected our memories. The groundhog day feeling mixed with the lack of perspective made us all frozen in time.

Spring came, and summer went away in a flash. The relief didn't last long, and soon, it was cold, gloomy, snowy ,and locked down again. Recently a friend posted on FB that everyone who spent those months in NYC is now suffering from some type of post-traumatic stress. I can relate to that.

I left NYC in January, and only now, still scared of the pandemic, I feel a little more relaxed. But I'm still trying to make sense of what we lived during 2020. It seems distant and, at the same time, terribly close. I'll never forget it, and I will never be the same.

Today, seeing the news of countries and cities entering into complete lockdown for the first time one year after everything has started, makes me feel a tightness in my heart. I think about what they are going through and how my own safety, even thousands of kilometers away, depends on these people being safe as well.

I WORKED FOR HARVEY WEINSTEIN. YOU PROBABLY DID IT TOO

No, I haven't ever met the guy, but I've met many people like him. That's because Harvey Weinstein isn't only an actual person; he is primarily a stereotype.

Some of the people who lived the Miramax heydays tell that working with him was like being next to an old Hollywood mogul. He was powerful, intimidating, and fearless, and his mere presence could make extraordinary things happen. It was a great time, that's what they say.

Of course, there was the other side – a much darker side of abusive behavior and outbursts of rage. But that was OK; after all, people were in the presence of genius. Genius can get away with everything. And greed combined with intimidation can let people bear almost everything.

If you work in marketing, communication, and entertainment, you've probably met or heard about the "Harvey Weinsteins" in the business. You might even have survived them, but you'll probably carry the scars for the rest of your career. And unfortunately in your personal life too.

In my experience, there isn't a way to go through an abusive professional experience without suffering the damaging effects of it in your personal life as well.

I wonder why we still think that it's fair to equate abusive behavior with geniuses? Or, aren't we confusing intimidation with brilliance?

It seems we celebrate this persona because they are fearless in their quest to achieve whatever they want. Because they are so bold, we excuse their blusterous nature and let them do what we are afraid of doing. We celebrate something very primitive that yet reveals our conception of what it takes to be a leader. We hide behind it in the hopes that we can get something out of it. We convince ourselves that it's "OK" while we slowly give away our principles.

Suddenly, we become Ann Hathaway in the "The devil wears Prada," whispering to ourselves in the corridor that 1000 girls would die for this job just to survive another day.

Even this classic modern tale of exploitation ends with a nice note to Miranda Priestley, Meryl Streep's fictional version of Anna Wintour. In the end, she had a heart.

Speaking about Anna Wintour, she's another example of how our culture celebrates the genius behind her evil public persona. People can say she is a trailblazer that opened up the path for women in leadership. One may even say that her behavior "wouldn't be a problem if she was a man".

Wrong. A dick is a dick no matter if he or she carries one or not.

Is there anything wrong with us, or it's always been like this?

Perhaps it's always been like this, but isn't time to rethink our idea of what's makes a leader?

We have been living with this binary perception of the world – where there are leaders or followers, winners or losers, good or bad – for too long.

Frankly, the two sides of something are just different angles of the same thing. The problem isn't the side we take about something; the problem is the thing itself.

The whole concept of leadership needs to be reviewed. Actually, the idea of success it's been outdated too.

I remember working not long ago at a company where there was a guidebook teaching how to be courageous and brave to become number one. It literally glorified discontent as the most important virtue on the path to success. It always made me think about what you do after you fight hard and successfully become number one? One day I dared to ask it to one high preacher of this cult. He looked at me perplexed and answered: you keep fighting to keep being number one.

I thought to myself that it was exhausting and a sad waste of one's existence.

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF AND THE AMERICAN NEWS MEDIA

It's hard to pick Trump's most outrageous tweet. During his presidency, Trump has posted over 17000 tweets so far. In fact, there's even a book about it available on Amazon: Trump Tweets: A Collection of Donald Trump's Most Outrageous, Offensive, and Deleted Tweets From Trump's Twitter Page. 

Even if you don't follow the 45th President on Twitter, nevertheless, you've come in contact with his tweets plenty. That's because the news media covered each one of them. Hosted by their prime time anchors, over 4 years, every day cable news has put together panels with their most respectable political analyst to dissect each of the 140 characters in every tweet. 

News media on each side of the political spectrum have covered Trump posts more than the news itself.

Words do matter, and the president's rhetoric is a powerful tool to govern. So it's only natural that every word coming out from the president's office is considered news, and traditionally it would be. Well, that was until it became only disinformation warfare. Claiming to be a disruptor, Trump used disinformation, misinformation, and propaganda to control his entire presidency's political narrative.

The liberal media have done well at calling out the presidents' outrageousness, but the constant reporting only helped feed the disinformation and the polarization. From covfefe to witch hunt, and everything in between, the Press covered it all with the same mix of indignation and enthusiasm. 

This persistent agitation around someone who clearly doesn't play by the rules ultimately amplified his rhetoric and created more confusion. 

In 2016, when Trump came to the political arena's center stage, he showed us right off the bat his complete disregard for the rules and the truth. 

At first, it came out as a shock for the Press and people in general. But fast forward to 2020, and the media still reports his words more than his policies. In addition to that, the blunt partisanship of the conservative and liberal news outlets fueled the noise and polarization. Both sides need to be accountable for it.

It's like the Press has cried called the wolf too often and too much. At first, people were horrified; but the nonstop barrage of reporting on every little outrageous tweet soon became background noise, though. Americans became numb, and Trump kept throwing spaghetti on the wall, leading the country's narrative and creating a sense of distrust and confusion. 

The effects of Trump's presidency will last much longer than his years in power, and either you support him or not, we all suffer the consequences. We are all responsible for it too. So it's the Press.

The Press and News Media are called Fourth Estate or fourth power because of its explicit capacity of advocacy and implicit ability to frame political issues. An extremely polarized and partisan Press and News media cannot fully live up to its mission. It needs to be accountable for its role in creating more confusion by its hysterical news report aimed mostly to increase ratings. The Reality Show President found its best ally in the Press because both had one thing in common: ratings.

Now we all wonder what will be of cable news after Trump? Trump managed successfully to turn political coverages into tabloid news.

In 2019 cable news ratings went up 72%, and last October Fox News reached a historical rating increase.

The Press has talked a lot about the need for the country to reconcile with the truth and come together as a nation after Trump is gone. The Fourth Estate must use this critical moment to reflect on its responsibility in everything that is going on in America. Otherwise, when they are speaking the truth, no one will listen.